approval : part 2

 

Our childhood experiences, whether the approval of our parents was something we had to earn through acceptable behaviour or could easily lose by unacceptable behaviour, or whether we knew their approval unconditionally, has a lasting impact on our adult responses to the idea of God.

Consider the following verses, Matthew 5.20-26:

[Jesus said] ‘For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, “You shall not murder”; and “whoever murders shall be liable to judgement.” But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgement; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, “You fool”, you will be liable to the hell of fire. So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.’

If our childhood experience was one where parental approval had to be earned, and was easily lost, we will likely hear Jesus this way: that, however high the religious experts set the bar for approval, God sets it higher still. That while, in the past, God was willing to set the bar at a lower level — holding murderers to account — now Jesus raises the bar such that if you criticise someone else you risk being thrown into hell; for God is an exacting judge.

This message is proclaimed from many pulpits, with the “good news” that though we are judged guilty, Jesus takes the punishment in our place, appeasing God.

If, on the other hand, our childhood experience was one of unconditional parental approval, enabling us to flourish within secure attachment, then we might hear Jesus this way: that God’s approval goes far beyond the approval — or disapproval — we hold out to ourselves and one another. That, while God sought a society that held murderers to account, we have gone far beyond, such that if someone is angry with us we judge them harshly and if someone insults us we tell them to ‘Go to hell!’ Yet, Jesus calls on us to be the one who breaks this cycle, to be ministers of reconciliation towards one another.

There is all the difference in the world between these two perspectives, the one from a place of insecure attachment, the other from a place of secure attachment that allows us to admit to our shortcomings, knowing that whereas the enemy of our souls — the Father of Lies; the Satan, or Accuser — demands in the heavenly places that we be imprisoned, in Christ our Father in the heavens declares us to be innocent, and — though we have been put to death with him by the insecure actions of humans towards humans — raises us with him.