This year, Ash
Wednesday (moves around a bit, due to being tied to Easter, which is tied to
the Jewish Passover, which is tied to the cycle of the moon) coincides with
Valentine’s Day (February 14). The reminder of our mortality gate-crashes the
celebration of romantic love.
That might jar, but
it seems to me to be incredibly fitting.
At a wedding in a
Church of England place of worship, the marriage vows declare:
I, [Name], take you, [Name],
to be my wife/to be
my husband,
to have and to hold
from this day
forward;
for better, for
worse,
for richer, for
poorer,
in sickness and in
health,
to love and to
cherish,
till death us do
part;
according to God’s
holy law.
In the presence of
God I make this vow.
I would suggest that
almost all couples say these words in denial of fully half of life.
To be fair, if that
were not the case, I’m not sure we’d be brave enough to marry at all. But the
vows are not designed with a perfect fairy-tale wedding in mind. They are a carefully
considered acknowledgement of what awaits us.
The idea that we are
in control of our lives is an illusion. In the analogy of Psalm 23, we live our
lives in the shadow of the valley of death, we pass through the
dying-experience many times over. But letting-go of the attempt to control what
we cannot control—or holding-onto what we cannot hold on to*—is not at all the
same thing as fatalism, or despair. The most fitting response to living in the
shadow of the valley of death is to drink deeply from the wells of the water of
life. And to drink deeply is to discover God’s faithful keeping of his covenant
promises**.
As I prepare to meet
with those couples getting married at the Minster this year, and for Ash
Wednesday a week from tomorrow, I am glad for the gift this year offers.
*The book of Ecclesiastes is one of my favourite
books in the Bible. Running through it is the repeated cry ‘hebel,’ often translated ‘meaningless’
or ‘vanity’ but perhaps better—and much more positively—translated ‘fleeting’:
fleeting, fleeting, all is fleeting…and beautiful in its appointed time.
**Strictly speaking,
there is no such thing as a marriage between two people. A marriage is a social
contract involving the entire community, with the guests present at the wedding
speaking on that community’s behalf, with two people at the centre of this
bigger thing. The marriage vows are an expression of our common experience of
life—as much for those who have never been married, are divorced, or widowed,
as those who are married—alongside the commitment of two people to walk this
journey together, with the support of others. Our common experience of life,
our inability to control our lives, and God’s faithfulness in all
circumstances, are true for those who have a Valentine and those who do not.